Diary of Phreddie Du Mahnke, Esq.

The name is Du Mahnke. Phreddie Du Mahnke. I'm a monkey on a mission. That mission? To spread my influence across this vast world one photolog at a time. I've been many places, seen many things. Now, I'm sharing it with you. Come along, won't you?

My Photo
Name:
Location: Raleigh, North Carolina, United States

I was purchased at the St. Louis Zoo gift shop in about 1979 -- possibly 1980 -- by one "Nate", who left me in a closed box for... 20 or so years. Rediscovered in 2004. Given a proper name at Disneyland by Snow White on Friday, 5/27/05. Began bolstering my cult following to apocalyptic proportions shortly thereafter. You love me. You REALLY love me...

Friday, July 22, 2005

Meanwhile, 2 days later...

Arakiel told me you wouldn't listen, but I had faith in the human
spirit. Unfortunately, you disappointed me. When the end times come
and the faithful will be lifted to the promised land, you will be left
to feel the righteous fury of Arakiel, Dominae, Ithamus, and
Quaxinous. I would ask you to repent, but I have been told it is too
late for you. Only 1/250th of humankind will see paradise, and I am
afraid you are one of the others that will not pass over. Whether you
are one of the ignorant or one of the evil I do not know yet. You
speak of cults, and that gives me a hint of which of the two you place
yourself. Also, I know not of this Sleestak you speak; but it sounds
like like the name of an unspoken one. If this is true then you are
far beyond my help, and will truly feel the wrath of Arakiel. I can
guide you back into the fold but you must ask. I won't hold my breath
waiting though, I fear you are too far gone already. I am sorry for
you, but I am more sorry for the innocent that you are leading astray
by your website. The righteous and the elders will fight you if you
continue.

Fortis Curator



:::ring, rinnnng:::
:::click:::
Arakiel: Hullo?

Phreddie du Mahnke: Arakiel? Phredd.

Arakiel: Hail and greetings. What is thy bidding, my Master?

Phreddie: You and the gang been goading ol’ Fortis Curator again, have you?

Arakiel: As per your imperative, my Liege.

Phreddie: “Too late to repent”, “1/250th of humankind will see paradise”, “The righteous and the elders will fight you”, yadda-yadda-yadda?

Arakiel: The talk of the End Times has been getting to him, my Lord.

Phreddie: Sh’yeah – he’s nuckin’ futz, is what he is. Good job! You and Dom and the rest gonna see him again any time soon?

Arakiel: Without a doubt, Sir. He left his ball gag at Quaxinous’ place the last time we all... got together.

Phreddie: Again? What is that? Three times now?

Arakiel: Four, my Master.

Phreddie: Four. Yeah – that’s a coincidence. Dude needs to come to grips with some identity issues. Like yesterday.

Arakiel: As you say, my Lord.

Phreddie: Welllllp, keep up the good work. I’m sure we’ll hear from “Fortis” again soon enough. All my best to Ithamus, y’hear?

Arakiel: So mote it be, my Liege. Peace, World Domination, and Sleestak Eyes to...

Phreddie: Yeah, yeah. Have a good weekend. And try to loosen up a little.
:::click:::

Phreddie: Choad.



Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Update Day

Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I've just been drunk.

Been an exciting few weeks at Casa de Mahnke. Went to a rock and/or roll concert, and got treated to a down home country style birthday, complete with roast pig, potato guns, and the biggest, gawdiest birthday card you've ever seen. And that got blown up, too.

So, I've got some pictures, and some fanmail to go over, so let's get to it.

As mentioned, Nate dragged me out of the house long enough for him to embarrass himself over a local rock star. I knew he had "groupie" written all over him. Anyways, this girl's name is Lennon, and she's really not bad-sounding. Or looking for that matter. Being the gracious monkey I am, I allowed a photo with her, and let Nate edge in too.



That's right. She touched me. Now, if only I could figure out a way onto the tourbus... Hrm.

More about Ms. Lennon can be found at her website: www.lennononline.com

Somebody in the North Carolina area did have a birthday recently, and I was a horrified spectator to the whole horrid show. I swear they did everything but sacrifice a goat to some long forgotten pagan god of the sea. They're really depraved folks out here, but once you get some booze in 'em, they're charming as all heck.

I think that this image speaks for itself, and sums up the event quite nicely.



Yes, that's a piece of a double-wide. Yes, that really was his birthday card. You can say this about these people, they do go all out on parties.

If you really want to see more of the carnage that was Nate's 38th birthday party, check here: MatJam's Birthday Bash. You have been warned, though. It's not pretty. Well, except for the photos of me. They're real pretty.

And now, on to my favorite part- Reader Phan Mail.

Hey Phreddie,

We hung out at Disneyland. Seems like you have a fanbase now.
What does it feel like to be a celeb/sex symbol?
Also, can I have your autograph?

-Chris (GJ)

OF COURSE I HAVE A FANBASE. What do you think I am --a regular flesh & bone monkey? I’d be thrilled to give you one of my autographs, Chris (GJ). I fling them pretty hard, though, so you may want to be sure any friends or loved ones are well away from your general vicinity the next time I’m close enough to lob it in your direction... just tohelp them avoid catching any excess autograph spatter. Or: would you prefer U.S. Mail?


I SHOWED YA MY BOOBS AND YOU FLUSHED THE PIC?

SUS

Showed them? "SHOWED" THEM??? ExCUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME, Sus: I nearly SMOTHERED in them! And here’s the so-called "flushed" picture to prove it:



(ahhhhhhhhh... thanks, Sus)

Dear Phreddie,

Is there any truth to the rumors that your "long lost brother, Fil"doesn't really exist, but is instead a figment of your imagination created to help you repress and cope with the traumatic memories ofthe years you spent living with Michael Jackson and Bubbles? Inquiring minds want to know.

Brian.

Brian, Brian, Brian. First off, let's dispell the rumor that you're an "inquiring mind". I've seen what you do when you're bored, and "inquiring" isn't an apt description. Oh yes, what you do is between you and God... and ME. Think about that next time you get the urge, my friend. The Jade Eyes are watching.

Secondly- Fil is a great guy. Since he moved out to Needles, CA. we don't keep in contact that much, but we always get back to the Daisy Hill Monkey Farm in St. Louis for Mom's birthday. Say, that's coming up soon. Better hook up the flight through Expedia.

Lastly, what happens in Neverland stays in Neverland.

Greetings Phreddie,

Thank God Almighty I came across your weblog today. For the sake of the world, I hope I am not the only one to speak out against your blasphemy; but I will add my voice to those that speak out against your evils. "Du Mahnke", indeed. A talking beast is such a fitting character to spread your lies! On your site you have people dressed as demons, women who may as well be yelling "Sex! Sex! Sex!", and promoters of gluttony all bowing down to your false idol. The Internet is the modern day playground to the children, and you lay this all out for their hungry little eyes to take in and corrupt their impressionable minds. Shame on you! Hopefully, you will see the wrong of your ways and decide not to promote the idea of a talking soulless creature that promotes demons and sex, and instead spread the Truth that shall save us all.

Fortis Curator

Wow.

Fortis- if that is indeed your real name- you have some valid points. Most of them seem to be hidden under your hat, but they're there nonetheless. The cult of Du Mahnke isn't blasphemy, man. It's a celebration of life! In this world of self deprication and supplication to "The Man", I provide a much needed service of role model to millions the world over. It's not evil, it's swell! If a woman wants to express her innermost self by dressing as a Klingon at a geekfest, that's her GOD GIVEN RIGHT- and I'll lay my silver shod body on the railroad tracks of injustice to derail the train of closemindedness so that that right is protected. How dare you mock the mighty Trekkies! They have a wrath greater that Khan! Watch out! As far as women that may as well be yelling "Sex, Sex, Sex"- well if I have anything to say about it, they wouldn't need to yell for long! Bada-boom, bada-bing! As for the internet being today's kids' playground, I got one thing to say- HEY! GO OUTSIDE! Play some damn baseball! Kick an old tire down the street! Ride your bike until the sun goes down! The intronweb will be here when you get back, and the porn you downloaded will be convienently deleted by your mom.

One last dealie for ya, Fortie- this ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no foolin' around. This monkey is real and he's IN YOUR FACE. Don't like it? Tough. I'll promote whatever the hell strikes my little monkey fancy, and who knows? Some day, I might even send some of those demon women your way. Hey- don't knock it 'til you've tried it, hombre. That's the truth that'll save us all.

Anywhoo. Peace and love to the faithful. You know who you are. Oh- and Happy Birthday to Ste3ve and Cal!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

If it's Wednesday...

... it must be time for photos!

I was dragged down to North Carolina over the weekend so the Geek Squad could attend "HeroCon". Let me tell you, that's some entertaining stuff. Never- and I mean never- do you see so many obsessed, fanatic, sexually repressed people in one place. Well, maybe in San Diego in July. Or in LA during May.

I made some new friends, as well as being exposed to the usual troupe of hangers-on that I have to deal with everyday. Let's meet them, shall we?


Forget it, pal. I shall never divulge the secret location of the hidden Rebel banana stash.


Look kids, it's Val- er, Michael- er, George- er... Adam West!


You keep robbing banks, bad guys, 'cause I'm drinking Super Soldier Serum, and when I grow up...


... I'm gonna wish that they told me that "Super Soldier Serum" was really Pabst Blue Ribbon.


Yes, later on there were many "Cat Scratch Fever" and "Pruning the Hedges" jokes.


Superherodom at it's finest. I made Superwoman laugh by asking if she wanted to have a ride in the "Phreddie-mobile".


"What if Matt Damon starred in 'Daredevil', and had a fallen angel butler?"


Finally, a comic book I can get into. Along with a bottle of Jack Daniels.


Choose your favorite... #1- At least Destiny has the common sense to wear a hood on his bad hair days. #2- Psst, Death- Pat Benatar called from 1982. She wants her wig back.


Who ya gonna call? Du Mahnke! (hey, it fits the format of the song, dilweeds)


This is the second trip I've taken where I've been grabbed by this guy and told I belong in a musem. He's either a stalker, or just has really good taste.


Yessss... Join me, and we can rule the Men's room as Monkey and... glowy green skullheaded dude.


Is it just me, or has Mysterio been working out? I mean, check out the sixpack. It almost makes up for the celophane on his noggin. Way to cheap out, man.


Leave it to Nate to find and take me to the hottest cosplayer at the show. Of course, she's no Klingon...


See? Don't worry, she was just hungry. We went out later for some Rokeg blood pie. Good times.


Here's my newest buddy, Laura. She followed me around all weekend, trying to get an autograph. She did have something of interest, though.


This is a painting of my long lost brother, Fil Du Mahnke. It's Van Gogh-ish in its interpretation, but its still pretty accurate. Laura put some glittery stuff on it for realism. What a great kid.


So here's Nate and I with comic artiste Andy Lee. Let me tell you, that guy can drink. He thought I was a flask full of bourbon.


Sequoyah and Charlie. Why does everyone wanna eat me?


Brian shows off his awesome tatt, in a vain attempt to outdue the splendor that is Du Mahnke. Nice try, Bri.


Playing a monkey-game with Andy's girlfriend Kendra. The rules: #1- make hard eye contact (with ME) #2- slowly count to 10 without looking away or laughing. Gets 'em every time.


Okay, I promised I wouldn't say anything crude about Michele or her legs. So... um... uh...

mmmmmmmm...
...Nice coat.


Well, that about wraps up the trip. With the exception of little girls fishing in puddles after rainstorms, or Charlie littering in an already littered truckbed.

Until next trip- enjoy the banana smoothies.

- Phreddie


Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Horror.

This is the kind of crap I have to put up with on a daily basis.



An anthropomorphic pickle-man who totes around some sort of grotesque, larval version of himself (SEEMS cute... until the rancid little creep starts squeaking) suddenly erupted from the brain case of Twinkie the Kid. Parasitism? Symbiosis? Can it in fact be that there is NO "Twinkie the Kid"... maybe that svelte, golden spongecake body has for decades concealed a leering, atrophied, brine-soaked simp waiting to explode a tidal wave of green vinegar into the mouths of the unwary? Wonder what name Snow White would give to THAT crap? Brrr – I'm still nauseous.

Peace, World Domination, and Sleestak Eyes to the Loyal.

- Phreddie

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Letters, I get Letters

Okay, so today, I'm sharing a bit of the fan mail I've gotten since those morons decided to set up an e-mail address for me. Great, now I'm reachable. So here's some stuff:


Hello you sexy Monkey,I've recently stumbled onto your little world. Your all so worldly ways really made me wet:) I would love to stroke your beautiful shiny coat, and spank your naughty ass.So, you special little monkey, how would you like to come to my theme park? I promise you there would be more ups and downs than the likes of Disney:)
Your Secret Admirer-Jessy


Wow.

Well, Jessy, I'm not sure what to say. I was thinking that you were a one rabbit woman, but it seems that you like to doodle around. Tell you what, next time I'm in town, I'll come and climb your banana tree. Sound good?



Hey monkey, stop taking a crap. And tell your cousins that when I went to Thailand two decades ago, you fuckers stole peanuts from behind my back; about 50 of them. I want them back!

Andy

Andy-

#1- I don't have any family. I'm an orphan. Thanks so much for reminding me. Any monkeys who took anything from you have obviously made a remarkable ascention up the evolutionary chart. Or then again, you may just suck at keeping track of your nuts. Lastly, it was 20 years ago... maybe you should let it go. Or switch to decaf.

#2- My crap is my business. I will take it, or fling it, anywhere I choose.



Hey! It's BPG! Remember me? We had an awesome time in DL. Good to see you made it home safely. Pass my regards to Nate and Charlie

-BPG

BPG-

Yeah, I remember you. The nerdy one hanging off the cat-headed girl, right? I'm glad you enjoyed my presence so much. Next time, I might even let you buy me dinner at Blue Bayou. As for regards to Nate and Charlie...

Who?



You haunt my dreams and manifest nightmares, you sparkle-eyed purveyor of gloom and despair....

Neill McCormick

Good. Now then, I expect that kind of respect from the lot of you. I mean it. Go get me a donut.



Oh fabulous Phreddie! Please come to Chicago for your next modeling adventure! You would look absolutely fabulous at the Lincoln Park Zoo! Must see more Mahnke!

Your devoted fan, Countess Zero Von Two Three

I loved you on Sesame Street.

I like Chicago. I really do. I just don't like the Zoo. Period. It reminds me of something... bad. But- look for more Mahnke soon!



Okay, that's it for today. I'll post my regional newsletter later.

Peace out, homies.

- Phreddie

Hello World

Okay, so here's my Blog. I'll be responding to e-mails here, posting photos of my days, and you can comment to your hearts content.

Just behave yourselves. I'll stare down anybody who gets outta line.

-Phreddie